Boy without wonder

I love video games, but I feel like it doesn’t feel the same like it used to do back when I was young. I still remember the days during my summer vacation when I'd spends hours fooling around in gta vice city, I wouldn't even bother to do the missions. I would spend time just driving around and doing random stuff. These days the idea of messing around in video games seems like a distant memory. I feel like playing games have turned from this wonderful experience to this task I have to do with maximum efficiency.

Now when I want to play a game I go in with this mindset of like "how can I have the most fun within the next two hours". I look up on the internet to find the most efficient way to finish missions and ways to unlock the most powerful weapon and which build is the best suited for my playstyle and many other non-sense. It's like I have this idea that progressing or completing something is somehow fun. It's true at times, but I don't think that mindset is best suited for playing games. How is this shit any different from doing an assignment? Where's the fun? There is no sense of wonder and this urge to explore anymore. I don't boot up a game and simply enjoy the world. I find it really hard to do it these days.

I remember this specific conversation I had with a good friend of mine on the bus while coming back from school. We were talking about video games and stuff and I remember asking him if he would build a pc and play video games when he gets a job. He said, "Probably not. It's ironic cause when you are young you have all the time and energy in the world but no means to play games but when you are old, you'll have all the resources but won't have the time or energy." At the time I was like that's stupid, how would you just forget about something you love. Young me wasn't really familiar with the idea of people growing old and letting go of things.

Even though I hate to admit it, what he said was absolutely spot on. I didn't have a fucking schedule back then. I could play whenever I want and stop whenever I want. Now it's like "at the maximum I can only spend around 2 hours on this specific time on these specific days without fucking up my various responsibilities and commitments." Every time I sit in front of my laptop to play something, in the back of my head; there is this voice going "now after these 2 hours end, you'll have to do this assignment to submit tomorrow that you couldn't give a fuck about" or "you'll have to learn for a test" or "you have a meeting to attend" or something else.

Reality is often disappointing, these days I don't have the time to be bored, I don't have the time to sit still and look around in wonder inside video games. I don't really have a clue on how to fix these things but I can't really give up on it either. I do think it's a bit much. All these responsibilities and worries about the future. Things were simple back then, All I could think about was the game I was going to play after I get home or the anime I'm watching. These days there is a lot more freedom but it's strangely overwhelming. I hope that it gets better, I hope that I'll find that sense of wonder again.

Thank you for reading.