Death in the family
song: Måneskin - VENT’ANNI (listen to it while reading)On 11th of February 2025, around 8:50 pm my grandfather passed away. He had been hospitalized for the last month or so. I don't really want to go into the specifications of his condition. I was at college during the time, so I got on the train back home early morning the next day. I think the system in my body which helps me feel emotions is kind of fucked. I can't really feel stuff if the intensity of it reaches a certain threshold. After hearing the news, honestly, I didn't really feel any sadness. I couldn't really feel anything at all. Logically I knew that I should be feeling intense sadness and that was it.
As I was reaching my house, I could see people walking towards my home. That's when the reality truly settled in for me, still I didn't feel anything. As I got out of the car, everyone stared at me with pity. I could feel their eyes on me. I could hear them mumbling to other people things like "poor child.........". As I saw his dead body, people tried saying things that were supposed to comfort me. I wanted to look at him a bit more as it was the last time I'm gonna see him but I couldn't with all that people there. That was the worst part of it all, people.
After a bit came the final rituals. According to my culture it was the part where we would say our final goodbyes. After that his soul would find peace and go to heaven. Now did I really believe it? No. That being said funerals are not for the dead but for the grieving. As I stood there I could see everyone crying, it was the first time I saw my dad cry. Everyone in my family cried but I couldn't, I felt like a heartless monster then. After the ritual I went to the crematorium along with the close family members. I saw his body being placed inside the furnace. Even though the furnace was closed, I could see his feet getting burnt from the reflection of those white tiles. Still I couldn't feel a thing.
I was home for the next week or so, the whole week there were visitors all the time. Honestly, the only thing I cared about was to get out of home. It felt like all my privacy was taken away from me. I need space to think and process all that has happened. I needed space to comprehend his death. I went to college after that week but came back to attend the 11th day of mourning. Now due to there being a jaundice outbreak in that area of the college, offline classes were suspended and classes were to be resumed in online mode. So basically, I was stuck home.
It was then it started hitting me, the fact that my grandfather was gone. It's just all the little things that added up. There's no one sitting in the living room reading the newspaper, his chair always remained empty, the place where he sat in the dining table was empty, he wasn't there to great me when I would return home. There is no one watching tv at night. The house felt quiet than usual.
The strangest part for me is how everything just resumed. It's like his death has no proper effect on the world around him. The world simply does not care. I suppose that's the reason why I'm writing this cause I want to make something meaningful. I don't want to move on like everyone else. I want to pay my respects before I move on. Death is scary, the idea of ceasing to exist is so incomprehensible that I can't really say anything about it. I don't know what or how it was like to die. I don't really knew if he had any regrets or final wishes, not that it matters anymore but still, I hope he was alright.
My grandfather was a government official. He was a good one too. A lot and I do mean a lot of people knew him and they all had only good things to say. That is quite a feat to have achieved. He had helped them at one point or the other in his life time. People would say stories about how he used to be and stuff. That being said I was never really close to my grandfather. I suppose the generational gap was too big. Both of us saw the world in entirely different ways and honestly neither could really understand each other. Still we got along pretty well, we weren't at each others throats or anything. We never really talked properly about stuff, that's all.
I kind of wanted to write a eulogy but that's for the living, I guess this is more of a letter to the dead.
Hey man, most probably you won't be able to hear this but here you go. Let's be honest we never really knew each other properly but unlike most people in the family you never pissed me off. I did genuinely have respect for you for that specific reason. You never really showed any religious dogmatism or stupid beliefs like most people. You had a sense of rationality to you and you respected people. I never saw you belittle others, I can't really say that for most people in the family. A lot of people came to see you after your death and most of the people in the family cried at your funeral. I'm sorry I couldn't though. You meant a lot to these people and that is a testament to how you lived your life.
My favorite memory of you was when I was little. You would always go through your old stuff to find me ink pens to write and books to write on. I remember you showing me how to clean ink pens. I still use ink pens to write my journals, I probably wont change that. Thank you for doing all that for me on my childish whims. I probably was an asshole back then. I'm also sorry that I never really put in the effort to know you and talk more. I never knew how I would go about explaining anime and videogames and a lot of other nerdy stuff to you. You weren't neccesarily the greatest fan of technology as well. I should have actually tried but I didn't. I'm genuinely sorry. Also I should probably thank you for helping my father become who he is today. He turned out to be a really chill person.
I don't really know how to end these things. I will miss you, the house doesn't feel the same without your presence. I hope your eternal sleep is comfortable. Good-bye.