Selfless
Written below is something that I've written in my journal when I was feeling absolutely miserable. Read at your own risk, I guess.______________________________________________________
21 May 2025, 7:00 pm
I think I need to get the fuck away from people. I don't feel all that great. I feel like there is something really fucked up and broken within me. There is this wall within me that keeps it from coming out. I feel like some point in the future, within the next five years or so, that wall will break. It will destroy everything in its way with pleasure. All the isolation, the hurt, the hate, the anger. Anything and everything that I've kept bottled up or rather I've been unable to express will hit me all at once. It will destroy me. I'm scared. I feel like crying but I can't make myself. I've been feeling this for a while now. All I feel is this numbness, or anxiety, or fear. This fear of losing what keeps me going. The fear of losing all these people I've come to love. There is not a shred of hope within me. It's all bleak
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I like to think I'm a rational individual. In some sense, I do find pride in the fact that I am rational to the bitter end. It's been quite a while since I've come to the realization that there isn't a greater purpose or a greater meaning to life. I don't think one can even comprehend a greater narrative, which in a pragmatic sense is just the same as there being no meaning. If I were to be a bit pretentious, I would go so far as to say that I'm an absurdist. Like I wrote in my journal, at the core of my being there exists nothing but a sense of bleakness, for I know nothing matters in my rational world. It used to make me a bit sad back in the day, but after a while I started seeing it as something that need not be attached to any emotion. When you think about it, one can only classify something as good or bad if he has an alternative to compare it with. The only thing I know for sure is the reality I perceive. I simply do not know anything else.
In this world, which seems to be slowly but surely cruising towards its own end, I have taken a liking towards the irrational. In other words, I have taken a liking to people in general. I realize that I'm dependent on them, even though I hate to admit it. I love my solitude, don't get me wrong. It helps me think properly. It helps me to write cool things, but eventually I find myself in need of some company. Sure, they seem to make stupid decisions, say silly things, act on impulses (me included), but somehow they seem to make life more bearable, dare I say enjoyable even.
As much as I've come to love and appreciate these people, there are moments when I want to run away. I don't like to be around people when I am feeling not that great. I suppose I'm quite scared of being vulnerable around people. I've always shared details of my private life with my close friends, but I'm usually devoid of emotion while doing so. Thus, I feel like only half of the story is being told. On the rare occasions that I try to say something to express the other half, I end up regretting it as soon as it comes out of my mouth. So, usually I just shut up. It's not that the people I talk to are insensitive pricks. It's just that I'm still figuring out how to talk to people about these things while actually being true to myself.
Truth be told, I'm still figuring out how to talk to people and truly connect with them. I feel like I'm only halfway there. It's really fun when you have people that resonate with you. That being said, every now and then this fear creeps up that after a while it would never be the same. I'm one-fourth done with my time in college. I have a track record of being an absolute disaster when it comes to keeping in touch with people. I'm trying to change that. I fear that one day I'll never get to be a part of their lives after a while. I just hope with all my heart that I don't fuck it up.
Thank you for reading.
(24-06-25)